the Table61 blog

“Canada, eh?”

Gabe wasn’t sure how to take Jessica’s news. She had just called him to inform him about the email she had received. Of course, she had called him late at night (early in the morning) and awaken him, just after he’d fallen asleep. So naturally, the conversation started off with him not in the best of all moods. She told him the news. She’d just learned that her family was having their annual reunion in Toronto. Most reunions are planned months in advance, and this one was no exception. The difference is, Jessica didn’t find out about it until three days before. Somehow, she was always the last person in the family to find out. When her cousin got pregnant, she didn’t find out until after the baby’s first birthday.

Gabe continued, “Well, I’m supposed to go hiking this weekend, but I can skip.”

He was a little disappointed that he’d miss his big hiking trip, but how could he resist the family reunion. It had nothing to do with visiting Jessica’s family or getting away from home for a few days; it was entirely about drinking. He and Jessica would arrive Friday night, and hit up a few bars with some of her cousins; her ‘cooler’ cousins that is. Most of her family was Mormon, and Gabe didn’t get along with them too well. Her parents had hoped that Jessica would meet a man who shared her own beliefs; or actually, a man who shared their beliefs. Gabe and Jessica had many of the same qualities, Jessica and her parents did not. Her parents didn’t like Gabe, and that’s exactly why she wanted him to go.

They finished making their plans, and were about to say goodnight. “What are you doing the rest of the night?”

“Ashley and I are going to watch Waiting, and going to bed when it’s over.”

“Waiting, eh? Okay, say night to your sis for me. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” The sisters were watching the best movie. Gabe just got the best idea. His friends were going to have the worst night…

After the prank, the guys wound down the party and headed to bed. Gabe covered up with extra blankets, to protect himself from all the ‘fags’.

Morning came, and with it sunlight. There’s this interesting phenomenon that can be observed after a night of drinking. The sun actually gets brighter than it’s ever been before. If you don’t have sunglasses for the drive home, you’re in trouble. If you do, you’re still damned uncomfortable. Gabe left the house, and cursed the sunlight, for most of the drive home, to a house he shared with his girlfriend and her sister. Most of his friends saw this as somehow kinky and erotic, but in fact, it was miserable. They fantasize about living with sisters and having threesomes, and the ultimate is if they’re twins. Well, Jessica and Ashley were twins, but not identical twins, at least not by looks. They were pretty much the exact same person by personality though. His friends considered that good enough and were jealous of him. Gabe felt a little different about the situation.

Living with two women barely presents an advantage. In fact, most days, Gabe couldn’t think of one. Today he remembered that Ashley did in fact help split the bills, so he was already doing better than most days. But there are a lot of disadvantages to living with two women, especially twins. First of all, when you get in a fight with one of them, you’re always on a side of your own; and they always have a partner.  Gabe had once decided to join sides when Jessica and Ashley were arguing over each other’s clothing (women can have ten different bras, and always want to wear their sister’s). Within twelve seconds (he counted), the two girls had resolved (or forgotten) their conflict; and both had found something wrong with Gabe’s life that needed brought up.

Most women who live together tend to ovulate on the same schedule. Not the women in Gabe’s house (and yes, it was his house; his name was on the property deed). In fact, between the twins and two of his coworkers, Gabe usually had a woman ready to kill him.  The hard part was remembering which one at what time. He had to constantly monitor the schedule.

Most guys dream of threesomes. ‘Two chicks at the same time man…. I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up.’ (Ladies, I’ll let out a secret here. This is the only reason men go to college to get high paying jobs. Well, some go just to take a class or two with a pretty little girl.) Gabe had those same fantasies, but they most definitely did not involve the women he lived with. He didn’t think he could ever have a threesome with Jessica involved; they didn’t screw, but rather made love. He didn’t see a threesome as making love, and didn’t think she would either. Further, since he couldn’t ever cheat on her, that sexual fantasy was basically out. Now if he could just get her to not use her teeth….

Most guys think the only bad part of living with women would be dealing with all of their underwear. In reality, the underwear is nothing. After about an hour of living with a woman, it quickly becomes apparent that underwear is only attractive when it’s on a woman. When it’s lying on the ground, it’s just another piece of cloth. Gabe determined what is a pain though: laundry day. Not because there’s a large quantity of laundry, or even that he has to wash the ‘intimates’, rather because he wasn’t previously aware that the drier had an ‘intimates’ setting. Ruin a woman’s favorite bra, and you’ll discover the one thing Satan fears.

Gabe arrived home, and found that he was doubly blessed on this day. Jessica had learned to pack lightly, and a medium suitcase was all she had prepared for the week long trip. She’d even packed it early, though there would still be something he would have to wait on her for the following morning when they left. The best news came when he learned that Ashley would not be going on the trip. That meant that he and Jessica would have their own hotel room…in Toronto….after drinking every night. Now Gabe was looking forward to the trip.

After cleaning up, Gabe went into work to prepare for the trip. As long as he let his coworkers know what to do in his absence, there wouldn’t be a problem. They covered for each other quite often. As he was explaining his recent projects to Karen, he realized that she was in a good mood again, contradictory to the last few days. Gabe smiled, blessed again on this day, until he ran the schedule through his head; Joyce, Ashley, Karen…

Suddenly, Gabe had forgotten about all the blessings of his day. He was worried. Usually, Jessica was fine through her period, but you could never be sure. Hormones, alcohol, and family; a combination that could be likened to mixing all of the chemicals in college laboratory. They might just fizzle and let off a little smoke, or there might be a major explosion. Gabe wasn’t really religious, but he thought about saying a prayer.

Gabe had called Marv to tell him about the Canada trip, and to let him know he wouldn’t be making the hiking trip. Marv understood, and wished him the best luck. Since Gabe wasn’t going, Marv figured the entire hiking trip would fail to happen. So he started to make backup plans. It was the middle of summer, and a lot of his classmates would be in town to visit. He hadn’t been to the new bar in a while, so he planned on spending the next couple of nights there. Hopefully he would meet some people he hadn’t seen in a while, and manage to stay fairly sober.

Marv called Mitch and Gary to fill them in on Gabe’s trip. They all agreed it was going to be too hot, and they would be safer sitting at home drinking a few beers so that they wouldn’t get too hot on the trail. Marv thought about inviting them down to the bar, but realized that if they would show up, his sobriety would disappear. Best to go solo on this one.

Friday night; Marv only had a few beers at Mitch’s house before heading to the bar. He figured a few beers beforehand would prevent him from buying as many at the bar, but that logic didn’t work this particular night. It’s not that Marv got a little buzzed and then just kept on ordering. In fact, he got a little buzzed, and then did stop ordering. He walked around sipping on a Coke, until he saw Liz. When Marv came to see friends from the past, he hadn’t thought about Liz. Liz had never really been a friend. In fact, Liz probably never liked Marv; but Marv definitely had liked Liz. But that was many years ago; he had been with another girl since this high school crush, and hadn’t even thought of Liz in years. But for some reason, on that night, when he saw Liz, all of those feelings came rushing back. He had seen her many times since graduation, and there was never anything except a bit of awkwardness. Tonight though, those feelings of ‘love’ came back.

He realized it probably never was love; he had never really known her too well. It had all started the second semester of his freshmen year, and lasted till the end of his junior year. She had walked into the study hall the first day, and he instantly noticed her. She didn’t stand out like many girls. She wasn’t hot or sexy, but rather cute in a simple sort of way. She didn’t have the look of superficial perfection, but rather a smile that hinted at a kind and sweet personality. She was shy, but not ever afraid. She could face a crowd of people as she would a friend, but she knew when not to talk, when her words would add nothing to a conversation but length. When she did talk, people listened, not because she did so rarely, but because her opinion was a well educated one that people wanted to hear.

Liz had never had these feelings for Marv. He knew it, and did little to deny it. Still, he had the feelings for her. That’s how he knew them to be more than simple ‘lust’. He knew he would never have a chance with her, though they were meant for each other. People who are meant to be together rarely are. He tried though; he stayed near her in school, but she never spoke to him; at least, not just a meaningless conversation meant only to share time with someone. He tried to work on the same class projects with her, but they shared only awkwardness. He called her on weekends, but she always had homework to do. So he had spent most of his weekends with Gabe, who had ironically, though not surprisingly, been the one who got Liz’s number in the first place. Only a good friend shares his numbers… or one who never uses them.

That night, in the bar, there was a different look in Liz’s eyes. It could have been that he hadn’t seen her in a while, but he doubted it. He thought he knew that look, thought that it was a look of interest, a look that said ‘Maybe you were right. Maybe there should be something between us.’ If he had seen this in any other girl, he would have acted upon it, buying a round of drinks, and spending time engaged in a meaningless conversation. But not with her, not with the past they shared. He had been crushed too many times (that’s why they call it a crush in the first place). He would suffer the awkwardness, and try to ignore her for the night, though he happened (not by accident) to always be near her. She was not the type of person to spend much time in a bar, and she soon left. She was gone again; there only to rekindle a fire in his heart, and then leave, not to be seen for many months or years.

Marv was a romantic type, and similar situations had happened before. Any time he got interested in a girl, she soon disappeared from his life. For weeks after, he would think about her non-stop; talk about her; find any reason to lead a conversation to her; lose sleep because of her; wondering if she had any kind of attraction to him; wondering if he would ever see her again; promising himself if he did, he would tell her everything he felt; knowing if he did see her, he wouldn’t be able to say a thing. This night ended the same as all of those previous nights, except tonight, the girl on his mind wasn’t Liz.

After Liz left, Marv had walked to the bar to order another beer, his promise of sobriety forgotten. While waiting for his beer, he saw a most extraordinary girl. She was beautiful, and he thought talking to her might distract him from Liz. His plan worked, but not as expected. After a few hours, he realized he wasn’t talking to just a beautiful girl; this girl was truly special… almost perfect. Not the kind of perfect you associate with models in magazines. Beautiful, but not shown with low cut jeans of tiny tank tops. Beautiful eyes, but not defined by shades of makeup (seriously, how in the *#@o you spell that). A pretty voice, but one that conveyed self confidence and truth instead of a manufactured conversation meant only to give the ‘correct’ answers.

Marv was having the night of his life; he had never known anyone like Aimee, and loved her conversation not just because it was time spent with her, but because it was full of interesting anecdotes and a perfect combination of wit and humor. She had explained that her parents had picked her name since it had the highest ratio of vowels from all of the names they could think of.  They’re conversation continued:

“So you grew up here? When did you graduate?”

Marv, having just turned 21, nervously answered, unsure of what Aimee would think. She looked about 25 and he wasn’t sure she would want to be with a younger guy.

“2003.”

“Oh… are you even legal to be drinking?” Even though she asked it jokingly, Marv could detect a bit of seriousness buried in the laughter.

“Yeah… just by a few months now. So when did you graduate?”

“Class of ’87.”

Doing some quick math, Marv replied, “Oh so, you’re like 26?”

Aimee let out a laugh, half in response to the awkwardness, half in response to a bit of flattery that she rarely received. She could tell he was being serious, and wasn’t sure how to correct him.

“37.”

Marv double checked his math. Oops, he was supposed to carry that ten wasn’t he. Time to stop drinking, but at this point, he had to order another beer. He wasn’t sure where this was going, and wasn’t sure he could handle it sober.

Wait, thirty-seven? She couldn’t be. She didn’t look close to thirty. He had to verify this, to make sure she wasn’t joking. She had to be… she couldn’t be as old as she claimed. Her eyes, they had a look a youthful charm and excitement.

“So, you must have gone to school with my Uncle Tim?”

She thought about this for a few seconds and confirmed it all. “Tim? Yeah, he was a few years older. Class of ’85. I remember him.”

Here he was, talking to a girl, err, woman, who was almost old enough to be his mother. He had a deep attraction to her, and then found out she was much older. He had promised himself he would never date another younger girl, but was this going too far?

He realized that the age had nothing to do with it. He had enjoyed her company thus far through the night; why should that change now. He stayed there by her, hinting with an occasional smile, hoping he wasn’t misinterpreting the look in her eyes. Could it be that she would actually have an interest in a ‘kid’ who still got carded at the bar?

Last call came, and Marv quickly sprang into action looking for an after party. No such luck, as no one was able to procure any alcohol. They should really start planning these things before they stopped selling. Unable to continue the night, he sprang into action. He had seen Gabe do it many times; he should have learned something about the process, right? But Marv left that night without the phone number of Aimee (her parents didn’t like putting an ‘s after her name, as it lowered the ratio of the vowels). Marv was upset; he hadn’t failed, just given up. He wished Gabe had been there to try, as for once, Marv thought he would have failed. She left tomorrow morning, so there was no chance for more time together. She had to return home to San Francisco. A bit of a drive from Central Illinois.

At the same time Marv was walking out of the bar with Aimee, to give her a hug for the last time that night and possibly forever, Gabe was walking out of a gas station in Toronto. Jessica was sleeping in the car, and he hadn’t wanted to wake her; part because she had been rather bitchy all night; part because there was a beautiful girl at the cash register. With those two things put together, Gabe might not sleep all night if Jessica saw him make one move that even suggested that he had an interest in the other girl. Even a simple smile could set her off. It was a good thing he had left her asleep; she would have flipped out if she had seen the young blonde when she handed a piece of paper to Gabe. It’s amazing how a set of digits put in a certain order can be the combination to a bomb if a girlfriend finds out.

As he returned home that night, Marv wondered if he would ever see Aimee again. Most of the time, he ended up seeing these girls again, though he admitted to himself that usually these girls lived much closer. In fact, there were only two girls he had met and never saw again. Both of those girls he had met in another country, so that was expected. He was quite sure he would never see Aimee again. He knew he would eventually get over the thought of her, but he would be miserably depressed for a few weeks. Marv only had one thing to look forward too… he could not wait to call his uncle in the morning.

–This story is based on actual events, though the names have been changed. I’m planning on going to the Class of ’87 Reunion.

“Are you sitting there?”

Normally this would seem like an innocent question, something you’d ask a girl in a bar, but on this night, it was pure stupidity. Most would assume it was just the alcohol speaking, but those who know him know it was just Gabe’s stupidity. It’s not that he was actually stupid, just a little, well, his friends call him ‘special’.

Gabe was actually a genius, at least when it comes to girls. He had a way, a smoothness, when it came to women. He was calm, relaxed, and confident. He was like this because he already had a girl he liked, Jessica. He liked other girls too, but not like Jessica. Other girls were just for fun. He could get any girl’s number, but he never called. This may upset girls, but he doesn’t know, and doesn’t really care. It’s not that he doesn’t care about the women, just that he has seen girls play his friends many times. He just saw it as payback.

But that kind of geniusness doesn’t count after asking such a question to someone who’s sitting in a lawn chair, in their front yard. To further explain the situation, he doesn’t know the person, and he wasn’t invited into the front yard. This was just a person sitting in their yard as he walked by. Gabe was a bit drunk, and he will use that as his excuse in the morning when people tease him about it. But the sad fact is that he’d only had two beers. Now don’t get confused, two beers have the capability of getting Gabe drunk… he was a lightweight. Most girls could beat him in drinking.

Gabe finished his walk and went back to the party. It wasn’t much of a party. It was the kind of party where seven guys sit around and drink beer, talking about chicks and needing to get some action. Chicks were there, but not the kind of chicks that the guys wanted to talk about. The car full of girls that had driven by earlier in the red car… those were the kind of girls the guys wanted to see bouncing on trampolines. Those were the girls Gabe went to find on his walk.

The walk turned up unsuccessful, at least in the effort of finding girls. He returned to the party, with no girls, a 64oz. Mega Chill drink from the gas station, and a bad case of crabs. But the crabs didn’t come from the walk. Supposedly he’d had those since his last girlfriend. Somehow, he had to get rid of those before Jessica found out.

He was sipping on his drink, and his friends thought he should share, being that he had a half a gallon of drink, more than anyone needed. So they asked him what he had. Well, it’s not as if he went and got 64oz. of Sprite. He got a little bit of a lot of different drinks… and a lot of cherry syrup. It was only later that he found out they charged for each shot of syrup. That was the most expensive drink Gabe had ever had, though he’d never ordered a shot in a bar. He named this drink the CherriliciousPepsiCokesiPunchyMisty. It basically had everything in it except Sprite. It’s not that he didn’t like Sprite, or that he ran out of room in the cup… they simply didn’t have it.

Mitch was talking about Meg, a girl he wanted to spend more ‘quality’ time with, but only briefly before getting hit by Marv. A new rule had been established; no talking about Meg. The friends had instituted the rule to try to get Mitch to stop thinking about Meg. At least, that’s what they told him. The truth was, they were sick of thinking about her too, because they all liked her.

Gabe was set, He would go to bed, knowing that in the morning, he would go home to Jessica. Marv, Mitch, and the others would wake up, and go home to nothing except a pizza for lunch. At this point, Gabe realized a pizza would sound good, so he talked the guys into ordering one. So they walked down to Monical’s and ordered a pizza… for delivery. The cashier thought it was a little weird that they would order a pizza for delivery when they had just walked down. Marv explained that they were just trying to see her reaction. She called Marv a McAsshole. Mitch guessed that she had previously worked at McDonald’s. Gabe got her number.

Twenty minutes later, the pizza showed up. The guys ate, music played, and life was great, until the worst thing happened. Denny got on the computer and started watching porn. Now, most girls get the idea that guys sit around watching porn while talking about the women’s breasts, how much they wish they could do her, and ignoring the guys. The truth is that guys sit around watching porn while talking about the women’s breasts, how much they wish they could do her, and making fun of the movement of the guys’ parts. As Denny noted, “It looks like his balls are laughing.”

The pizza was gone, the guys had moved away from the computer, the beer was running low, and the guys were getting bored. They saw their fireworks, but they were bored with those even. They had already shot some into the bathroom while Gabe was taking a shower. After setting off rockets and explosives in a bathroom, there wasn’t much else that could bring excitement. Until Mitch thought of the perfect idea; he grabbed a phone.

He searched for someone he hadn’t talked to in years. He found someone from high school, an ex-girlfriend. Mitch was always in the mood to piss of his ex. After she cheated on him, four times, he was always seeking revenge. It was three in the morning, but that didn’t stop him from dialing. She answered, barely awake, tired, and groggy. Mitch whispered, “One, Two, Three…”

“WE’RE NAKED!,” the guys screamed in harmony, quickly before hanging up.

After a few more calls, they again were bored. Gabe fell asleep, but not for long. Soon his phone rang, and he didn’t look too happy as he talked. He hung up, and sent a quick text message. He then filled the guys in on the situation. He told them that Jessica had just cheated on him, but luckily they weren’t too involved, so that didn’t bother him too much. Mitch asked him why he was so upset then. He explained that she had cheated on him with his friend, Marv.

All of the guys turned around to look at Marv, but all they saw was a big fat steaming pile of ****. The five other guys hadn’t noticed Marv’s phone when he receive a text message. Two points for Marv, and Gabe with the assist. Fags!

–This story is based on actual events, though the names have been changed. We’re still looking for the girls in the red car.