the Table61 blog

“Here, have some more happiness.”

Meg handed Mitch another glass of what she called happiness. Most called it beer. Surprisingly, Mitch was actually kind of happy.

Marv was happy, Gabe was happy, and the twins were happy. Mitch, on the other hand, had very few things to be happy about. He had finally got Meg to spend some time with him, but she had brought her boyfriend, Stewart. At least he was able to see Meg, and she was a blast to hang around with. That was good enough for him. Then again, after two years without any kind of relationship, anything was good.

They finished up their bowling game, and, of course, Mitch had let Meg win (though not on purpose). As they were leaving, Meg said it was fun and they should do it again. Marv told her to call any time she wanted to do it again, and they would all get together. He then checked to make sure she had his number.

“Yeah, I have it under Marvy.”

“Marvy? Why Marvy?”

“Marv is just too boring and plain.” Marv was completely confused… she would change his name in her phonebook to make it more exciting? Wow, some women are a little messed up. Then again, he knew that already.

Gabe had never really liked Meg, mainly because she was always leading Mitch on. He saw a chance to strike back at her. “Geez, what do you have Stewart under? Stew? Stewie? The New Guy?” This was Meg’s seventh boyfriend this year, and it hit deep. She was deeply upset but tried to hide it.

“No, he’s under Stewart.”

“You’re sure? He’s not under The Newer Guy? How about The Newest Guy? Don’t they ever get confusing?”

Mitch could sense the tension growing, but he couldn’t help but laugh. The look from Meg informed him he had no chance at becoming The Next Guy anytime soon. Stewart was walking back from the bathroom and so they quickly changed the subject to avoid upsetting him. Gabe didn’t know how much he knew, and it wasn’t his place to inform him. He would probably find out on his own anyways. To put Meg on edge, he asked her, “Can I get your number so we can call you if we decide to come bowling again?” It was only to play with her mind a bit. Not only did he have her number, he also had her sisters’ numbers, and pretty much all of her friends’.

The group left, but the night was far from over for a few of them. Gabe and Jessica went home to sleep. They had been shopping together all day, a fancy way to say that Jessica had found reason to torture him for six hours. They decided it was bed time. Mitch decided the same thing, but his reasoning was a lack of anything else to do. Marv and Ashley went home to cuddle for a while. Meg and Stewart decided they wanted to go have a little more fun. So they went to the twenty-four hour fun shop, Wal-Mart.

Meg had a whole list of things to do at Wal-Mart, most of which get you kicked out if you get caught. They decided they didn’t care if they got kicked out; in fact, they hoped they would… that would make the stories better. Meg was up first. She hid in the middle of a clothes rack and waited about fifteen minutes. Finally, someone decided to peruse the rack and, instead of clothing, they were greeted by Meg jumping out screaming. Meg was greeted by a face of absolute horror. She had scared that girl, and it was absolutely hilarious. If she hadn’t drank so much, she would probably have felt bad. Instead, she figured the girl deserved it for something. Next was Stewart’s turn. He walked around the store until he found an employee. He went up to an employee and said, in a very frantic voice, “We have a Code Five in clothing.” He then ran toward the clothing, and the employee followed. Once they were in the middle of the clothing section, Stewart screamed and then ran out the door. The employee didn’t know what to do, so he went on break.

Meg went for one final prank. She went to the health aisle, and grabbed a handful of condemns. She started following a young couple around and, when they weren’t looking, hid all the condemns in their cart. If only she could see the look on their face when they checked out.

On his way home, Mitch drove by IHOP, his favorite drunk restaurant. He decided to go in for the first time in months and see if he still knew anyone inside. Most of the old employees had moved away, but was delighted when he saw Beth still worked there. As he was walking in, he thought he had caught a glimpse of Stephanie… odd, he had heard she moved away months ago. When he got inside, he thought he saw Haley, another old employee who had also quit months ago. It turned out it was the same girl both times, a girl who looked very much like both Steph and Haley… and she was the cutest damn girl ever. He sat down and started talking to Beth. One of the first things she said was, “So, I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”

Mitch decided that probably was probably a good sign, but instead turned his attention to Jen, the new girl who was drop dead gorgeous. She asked to take his order. He honestly didn’t know what he wanted, so he thought he’d have a bit of fun with her.

“Anything… something random. You choose for me.”

“Well, what would you like… pancakes, a sandwich, steak…?”

“Anything.”

“Well, do you like…”

“No, you can’t tell me. It has to be a surprise.”

“Ok, so that’s one water and a surprise.”

She smiled and went to put the order in. She soon came back and sat down to talk. He started flirting a bit and was feeling rather proud of himself for staying smooth and getting a good conversation going. He soon learned that she was married though, so he turned his attention back to Beth. As long as he could stay smooth, maybe he could get somewhere with her. She soon made the comment, “I need a boyfriend…”

Mitch thought he knew what this meant, and his thoughts were reflected in his eyes. Beth soon noticed, and shot him down. “I don’t date guys with long hair. It’s kind of a turn-off.” Ouch. Mitch had long hair, and long didn’t exactly describe it. He hadn’t cut it since he was with his last girlfriend; in fact, he was pretty sure she had broke up with him because he had long hair.

“Well, I’ve been trying to find a reason to cut it…”

She didn’t really respond to this, but Mitch wasn’t too discouraged. He continued on and, after a few hours, decided it was time to leave. Beth told him to keep in touch, but didn’t give him her number. Instead, she gave him her MySpace address.

Mitch couldn’t help himself. He had to call Marv and Gabe and let them know what happened. He didn’t call to tell them about Jen’s beauty or Beth’s hints; he told them about the MySpace address.

“Dude, we’re in a new age. There was once a time when girls didn’t have phone numbers, and so guys had to visit their house. Then came the telephone, and guys could talk to a girl without the awkwardness of meeting their parents or conversing face-to-face. Now we’re in the internet era; guys can take their time to type out a message, spending an hour on one paragraph, taking as much time as needed to add the perfect amount of wit, no matter how slow they might be. And, it’s better than the telephone, because while you’re thinking about your five line message over a three hour period, you can look at her pictures and think about how pretty she is; you can look at all of her friends to see how hot they are; you can read comments others have left and figure out who she hangs out with; and you can put all of the things she likes into your profile to make it look like you both like the same things.”

He gave the same lecture to both Gabe and Marv. Marv was a little upset because Mitch had interrupted his cuddle time with Ashley. He ignored the first few calls, but on the fourth call in two minutes, he thought maybe something was wrong. Gabe didn’t sound like it, but he was also a little upset. It’s wasn’t that he had anything better to be doing; Jessica was sleeping in the bedroom, and he was doing dishes from their meal earlier that evening. He didn’t mind being called at two in the morning; in fact, he kind of welcomed the break from the boredom of being up so late alone. It wasn’t that Mitch had gone out while he was alone at home; it was that Mitch had gone out and gotten a MySpace address, and he never had. Mitch was the first; before him, the man, the smoothest guy around. Maybe he was getting too old; but didn’t a lot of twenty-five year olds use MySpace? Or maybe Mitch was right… a new era was upon them.

–This story is based on actual events, though some of the names have been changed. We should all go bowling again, with a trip to Wal-Mart afterwards. This time, no lame excuses from friends.