the Table61 blog

“Fact: Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.”

Any other day, Jessie would have found this interesting. In fact, two days ago when Greg had first told it to her she had found it interesting. Instead of the usual pickup lines guys tried, this was the first thing he had said to her when he walked up to her at Wal-Mart. Then, it made her think he was an interesting and intelligent guy. Now, after hearing about thirty random facts, she was bored.

Jessie didn’t respond after hearing this for the second time. A few minutes later, Greg’s phone had beeped and he started texting back. Jessie found her chance to strike back.

“Fact: Texting while driving increases your chances of crashing.” His look informed her he failed to see her irony. Neither of them expected the irony that followed.

After finishing his message and looking back at the road, he had just enough time to notice a billoard for a gentlemen’s club. He hadn’t even noticed the driver that had veered into his lane.

Luckily, the other car did notice and swerved just in time to miss Jessie and her date, though he ended up in a ditch. Greg stopped the car and noticed Jessie was sweating just as much as he was. Greg decided he should go check on the other driver. Jessie decided her new deodorant was as good as claimed.

The other driver was sweating too, but he was okay. Greg asked him what had happened, and the driver told him that he had been staring at a “Don’t Text and Drive” billboard wondering how many crashes are caused by people reading billboards.

The driver was able to get his car out of the ditch, and Greg safely got Jessie to Applebee’s. He had originally wanted to take her to O’Charleys, but she talked him out of that. The only thing that she would let be the same as her last date was the little black dress, size 2.

Greg wasn’t too nervous to talk to or look at Jessie. In fact, he talked too much, and he spent a lot of time looking at her, not always at her face. Greg was a very confident guy, probably because of his good looks. He wasn’t at all nervous to walk up to his ex-classmate and ask her out when he saw her in Wal-Mart. He was carrying some protein shake mix, and he wasn’t trying to hide it. Jessie was carrying some feminine hygiene products, and she was trying to hide that.

Jessie hadn’t spent much time with Greg in high school. In fact, she hadn’t even recognized him at first. But she figured that she’d give him a chance. He seemed different than other guys, and she thought that would be a good thing. Now though, she was sick of hearing about bees that pollinate apple trees, Greg’s theory about how the restaurant had been named. He assumed the original owner was chasing an apple thief through an orchard when he was stung by a bee. Now she was starting to question his sanity.

Jessie had ordered milk with her dinner, but as soon as the waiter sat it down, she had a horrible thought of the milk spilling on her dress and making her look like a cow. Greg noticed her frightfully looking at the milk, and asked her. She explained her fear.

“Actually,” he explained, “Holstein cows are white with black spots, so it would be inverted. Also, did you know that ‘cow’ actually refers to female cattle that have had a calf? Most people just refer to cattle as cows, though that’s technically incorrect. You would be a heifer since you haven’t had a calf.”

The conversation suddenly paused. Greg realized that he didn’t know whether or not Jessie had a kid and may have just put her on edge. He had put her on edge, but mainly because he had just compared her to a cow, or heifer, or whatever.

“So do you watch much TV?” Jessie was trying to change the conversation into something that wouldn’t involve cattle, ferrets, or any other random fact. It didn’t work.

“Not really. I try to stay active to stay in shape. Did you know that you actually burn more calories while sleeping than watching TV?” Jessie actually thought that appropriate, as he was putting her asleep.

She turned her attention to her food. She noticed a hair in her corn, but Greg identified it as a strand of silk from the ear of corn. “There’s actually one strand of silk for every kernel of corn. It’s kind of amazing they get most of them out when you think about it.”

Jessie was able to finish her meal without learning any other facts. They received the check and Greg pulled out his wallet. Jessie decided, since there was no way she’d go on a second date with him, that she should pay her part. As she pulled her wallet out of her purse, she noticed Greg put his wallet back in his pocket. Apparently she was supposed to pay for all of it.

She gave her debit card to the waiter and started placing some cash on the table for the tip. “How much do you think he deserves? Five dollars?”

“Well, he didn’t really go above and beyond, so maybe just two.”

“I’ll leave four.”

After she signed the receipt they stood to leave. Before Greg walked away from the table, she saw him out of the corner of her eye pocket two dollars from the tip pile.

Jessie kept her eyes on the road the entire way home. When they arrived at her house, Greg actually invited himself in.

“Well, I live with my sister, and the last time she woke up and saw a guy in our house she didn’t know, she hit him with a frying pan.” Greg actually didn’t mind this risk, finding it an acceptable gamble, but he took the hint.

“Well, we don’t want that to happen, so I’d best stay at home.” Jessie got out of the car and wished him goodnight.

Jessie opened the door, and her sister was rolling on the floor laughing. She had to ask what was going on.

“You just missed the funniest commercial ever. Did you know that ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears?”

Jessie walked to her room and responded without looking back.

“Ya, I’ve heard that before.”

— This story based on real and imaginary events; so I’d guess you can call them complex events. If you haven’t seen the Mountain Dew ferret commercial, you should get on Youtube right now.