the Table61 blog

“I’ll take it.”

Jessie handed the garment to the cashier along with some cash. The register beeped and displayed “Little Black Dress, Size 2.”

—

From the first ultrasound, her parents thought she would be a boy. Her dad had picked out the perfect name. You see, he was a Rick Springfield fan, and this was his chance to pay homage to his favorite song. A few months later, it was discovered too late that their child wasn’t to be the son they thought, but luckily, they didn’t have to change the name, just the spelling. Thus Jessie entered the world.

Through high school, Jessie was always a tomboy. All of her friends were guys, and she hated the girls and their stuckup attitude. At this point, you’re probably painting a mental picture of a girl wearing glasses, jeans, and an oversize black t-shirt in a not so girly way. This was true for the most part, except that she was actually still attractive, just not sexy.

As the saying goes, ‘everyone changes after high school’. The problem with this saying is that few people actually change much. Some do, and Jessie was one of them. Jessie returned from college a few years later, and started setting the world on fire. During her years away, Jessie had become incredibly sexy. You need to understand that Jessie didn’t realize that she had become so desirable until she had returned home. While she was away, guys hit on her all the time, but she just assumed they were desperate and she turned them all away. So when Jessie came home, looking like a goddess, she still lacked the attitude of any other hot girl. It is for this reason that things get interesting.

—

Dee (short for something, but no one really knew what) was the first guy that really talked to Jessie upon her return. He had been somewhat of a friend with Jessie in high school, and even though he wasn’t the most attractive guy, he thought he would try getting a date with her. His friends took one look at her and starting placing bets; the problem was that no one would bet on Dee, including himself. He walked up to the bar and congratulated her on completing college, something he had failed to do… twice. All six of Dee’s friends’ jaws dropped when she gave him a hug then a kiss on the cheek. Dee returned to the group, with her number in his phone, and a date for Saturday.

Dee was shaking from the shock. He never thought he would get a chance to go out with such a girl. “Gabe, you have to give me some pointers. You have to help me out.”

Gabe didn’t know what to tell him. Ya, Gabe had landed a beautiful girl, but he was also a very handsome guy. Dee needed something besides The Gabe Method. “You need to ask Marv. He’s in a new relationship… You don’t want to ask me advice. I’m practically married.”

Marv too tried handing off the responsibility. “Does she have MySpace? That’s Mitch’s department.”

Mitch, very drunk, leaned against Dee, wrapped his arm around Dee’s shoulders, got very close to his face, trying to focus on his eyes, and slurred something like “just be yourself, man.” To the other six fairly-sober people in the group, it sounded like good advice.

—

Jessie was excited. For once, she was glad to be asked out by someone she knew might want something more than sex. She started getting ready; she rarely dressed up like this. She was so excited to pull out her new little black dress, size 2. For the last month she’d been looking for a reason to wear it, and tonight was the first. But it didn’t matter if it was the first or the hundredth time, a little black dress was always good luck… Right?

Dee rang her door bell two minutes before eight. She walked down to let him in, saying, “you’re a few minutes early; I’m not quite ready but come on in.” She didn’t know that he’d actually been on the porch for ten minutes building up the courage to hit the button. He didn’t know that even if he’d been thirty minutes later, she still wouldn’t have been ready.

The little black dress may not have been the good luck charm Jessie had hoped for. The night quickly went downhill. Dee offered to drive, and Jessie accepted, before she saw what he was driving. Upon seeing the rusted sub-compact, she asked “are you doing a freecreditreport.com commercial?”

“Huh?” Dee didn’t get the reference, and Jessie just let it go, but a few minutes later she joked, “its a bummer the Cash for Clunkers program just ended.” He asked why, and, realizing she had just made fun of his car and felt bad about it, she decided to change the subject.

“So where are you taking me to eat?”

There’s not much of a feeling to describe what Dee suddenly felt other than panic. He had forgot to ask her where she wanted to go before they left, and didn’t know what to say. He was in such a panic, he didn’t even realize he’d ran a red light until he heard Jessie scream as a car swerved around them. He slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of the road, causing more traffic to swerve around them. He then pulled into a parking lot to collect his thoughts, trying to figure out how he was going to explain his behavior. He looked up, and saw he was in an O’Charleys parking lot, and suddenly he thought about how Mitch could come up with grandiose lies and stories right on the spot.

“I’m so sorry about that. I was going to take you to a restaurant downtown that was recommended to me, but forgot that I couldn’t get reservations, so decided to bring you here instead. I sort of paniced at first because I thought we’d already passed it.” Smooth, he thought to himself, good save.

Jessie, sweating and knuckles still white on the door handle, murmured, “Oh…”

As Dee led his date into the restaurant, he started worrying about whether he had enough money if she decided to get something expensive. Jessie, still sweating from the car, started to wonder if that new deodorant would work as well as the commercials claimed.

After they ordered, they sat silent, Dee avoiding eye contact with Jessie. Finally, he tried breaking the silence.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked, hoping to start a conversation.

“What it would be like to be an Egyptian on the moon.”

Dee’s face went completely blank. Very slowly, he said, “What?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, just something a friend posted on Facebook earlier. It’s not like I’m a deep philosophical thinker or anything.” After an awkward silence, she asked him, “So what are you thinking about.”

Still staring off at other people, Dee replied without looking at her.

“Boobs.” His answer was short and simple, but it wasn’t until a few seconds later that he realized what he’d said. Glancing at Jessie’s cleavage, bulging from her low cut little black dress, he stuttered. “Not yours! I wouldn’t want to stare at yours. I mean, not that they don’t look good, but… No, yours are great. Just like you… Sexy, perfect.” So much for smooth.

Dee dropped his head on the table with a loud thud. Oddly, at the same time, someone from another table made the sound of a horse neighing. After a pause, Dee tried to recover, continuing shamefully.

“I saw that girl over there, leaning over to feed her kid, and I stared trying to figure out how her boobs weren’t falling out, as much as they are already pushed out. I wasn’t trying to be perverted or anything, I was just curious.”

Jessie decided the date desperately needed a change of pace, so she decided to be spontaneous, but didn’t really put any thought into her following actions. She stood up and started bending over the table.

“Here, you’ll be able to see better this close.” As she bent over, she suddenly asked herself ‘what am I doing’ and decided to sit back down. In the motion of sitting down quickly, since she was leaning over the table, the very breasts she was showing off hit her ice water and spilled it right down her chest. The cold water took its affect, and soon the top of her little black dress was the attention of the entire section of diners, including Dee.

After using an entire stack of paper towels, and borrowing a dinner jacket from a nearby gentleman, Jessie was no longer the focus of attention, and the couple was finally able to eat their food.

After eating, Dee asked, though he knew the answer. “So I’m guessing you just want to call it a night and head home so you can get out of that dress.” Oddly, he really didn’t mind giving up for the night. It had been a disaster, and he was ready to go home. He felt some Keystone would be oddly appropriate for the evening.

Jessie also looked forward to getting home, but not because of the little black dress. She could never hate wearing it; it was the rest of the night that brought her down. She’d had the worst date ever, of all time.

As she walked in the house her sister looked up at her with eager anticipation. Jessie said only one thing before heading to her room for the night.

“There’s no way I could possibly have another date that bad.”

— This story based largely on my imagination, spurred by a few random Facebook comments. Seriously, where did this ‘egyptian on the moon’ stuff come from?

Also, to avoid possible confusion, I’ll note that The Gabe Method isn’t really anything like The Borries Method. I’m not sure how my method would work when picking up a girl… Maybe quite well in fact… Hmm…

Written on my Verizon Wireless Blackberry