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Gabe’s Girls: Chapter 4

by on Aug.10, 2006, under 'The Blog'

“Here, have some more happiness.”

Meg handed Mitch another glass of what she called happiness. Most called it beer. Surprisingly, Mitch was actually kind of happy.

Marv was happy, Gabe was happy, and the twins were happy. Mitch, on the other hand, had very few things to be happy about. He had finally got Meg to spend some time with him, but she had brought her boyfriend, Stewart. At least he was able to see Meg, and she was a blast to hang around with. That was good enough for him. Then again, after two years without any kind of relationship, anything was good.

They finished up their bowling game, and, of course, Mitch had let Meg win (though not on purpose). As they were leaving, Meg said it was fun and they should do it again. Marv told her to call any time she wanted to do it again, and they would all get together. He then checked to make sure she had his number.

“Yeah, I have it under Marvy.”

“Marvy? Why Marvy?”

“Marv is just too boring and plain.” Marv was completely confused… she would change his name in her phonebook to make it more exciting? Wow, some women are a little messed up. Then again, he knew that already.

Gabe had never really liked Meg, mainly because she was always leading Mitch on. He saw a chance to strike back at her. “Geez, what do you have Stewart under? Stew? Stewie? The New Guy?” This was Meg’s seventh boyfriend this year, and it hit deep. She was deeply upset but tried to hide it.

“No, he’s under Stewart.”

“You’re sure? He’s not under The Newer Guy? How about The Newest Guy? Don’t they ever get confusing?”

Mitch could sense the tension growing, but he couldn’t help but laugh. The look from Meg informed him he had no chance at becoming The Next Guy anytime soon. Stewart was walking back from the bathroom and so they quickly changed the subject to avoid upsetting him. Gabe didn’t know how much he knew, and it wasn’t his place to inform him. He would probably find out on his own anyways. To put Meg on edge, he asked her, “Can I get your number so we can call you if we decide to come bowling again?” It was only to play with her mind a bit. Not only did he have her number, he also had her sisters’ numbers, and pretty much all of her friends’.

The group left, but the night was far from over for a few of them. Gabe and Jessica went home to sleep. They had been shopping together all day, a fancy way to say that Jessica had found reason to torture him for six hours. They decided it was bed time. Mitch decided the same thing, but his reasoning was a lack of anything else to do. Marv and Ashley went home to cuddle for a while. Meg and Stewart decided they wanted to go have a little more fun. So they went to the twenty-four hour fun shop, Wal-Mart.

Meg had a whole list of things to do at Wal-Mart, most of which get you kicked out if you get caught. They decided they didn’t care if they got kicked out; in fact, they hoped they would… that would make the stories better. Meg was up first. She hid in the middle of a clothes rack and waited about fifteen minutes. Finally, someone decided to peruse the rack and, instead of clothing, they were greeted by Meg jumping out screaming. Meg was greeted by a face of absolute horror. She had scared that girl, and it was absolutely hilarious. If she hadn’t drank so much, she would probably have felt bad. Instead, she figured the girl deserved it for something. Next was Stewart’s turn. He walked around the store until he found an employee. He went up to an employee and said, in a very frantic voice, “We have a Code Five in clothing.” He then ran toward the clothing, and the employee followed. Once they were in the middle of the clothing section, Stewart screamed and then ran out the door. The employee didn’t know what to do, so he went on break.

Meg went for one final prank. She went to the health aisle, and grabbed a handful of condemns. She started following a young couple around and, when they weren’t looking, hid all the condemns in their cart. If only she could see the look on their face when they checked out.

On his way home, Mitch drove by IHOP, his favorite drunk restaurant. He decided to go in for the first time in months and see if he still knew anyone inside. Most of the old employees had moved away, but was delighted when he saw Beth still worked there. As he was walking in, he thought he had caught a glimpse of Stephanie… odd, he had heard she moved away months ago. When he got inside, he thought he saw Haley, another old employee who had also quit months ago. It turned out it was the same girl both times, a girl who looked very much like both Steph and Haley… and she was the cutest damn girl ever. He sat down and started talking to Beth. One of the first things she said was, “So, I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”

Mitch decided that probably was probably a good sign, but instead turned his attention to Jen, the new girl who was drop dead gorgeous. She asked to take his order. He honestly didn’t know what he wanted, so he thought he’d have a bit of fun with her.

“Anything… something random. You choose for me.”

“Well, what would you like… pancakes, a sandwich, steak…?”


“Well, do you like…”

“No, you can’t tell me. It has to be a surprise.”

“Ok, so that’s one water and a surprise.”

She smiled and went to put the order in. She soon came back and sat down to talk. He started flirting a bit and was feeling rather proud of himself for staying smooth and getting a good conversation going. He soon learned that she was married though, so he turned his attention back to Beth. As long as he could stay smooth, maybe he could get somewhere with her. She soon made the comment, “I need a boyfriend…”

Mitch thought he knew what this meant, and his thoughts were reflected in his eyes. Beth soon noticed, and shot him down. “I don’t date guys with long hair. It’s kind of a turn-off.” Ouch. Mitch had long hair, and long didn’t exactly describe it. He hadn’t cut it since he was with his last girlfriend; in fact, he was pretty sure she had broke up with him because he had long hair.

“Well, I’ve been trying to find a reason to cut it…”

She didn’t really respond to this, but Mitch wasn’t too discouraged. He continued on and, after a few hours, decided it was time to leave. Beth told him to keep in touch, but didn’t give him her number. Instead, she gave him her MySpace address.

Mitch couldn’t help himself. He had to call Marv and Gabe and let them know what happened. He didn’t call to tell them about Jen’s beauty or Beth’s hints; he told them about the MySpace address.

“Dude, we’re in a new age. There was once a time when girls didn’t have phone numbers, and so guys had to visit their house. Then came the telephone, and guys could talk to a girl without the awkwardness of meeting their parents or conversing face-to-face. Now we’re in the internet era; guys can take their time to type out a message, spending an hour on one paragraph, taking as much time as needed to add the perfect amount of wit, no matter how slow they might be. And, it’s better than the telephone, because while you’re thinking about your five line message over a three hour period, you can look at her pictures and think about how pretty she is; you can look at all of her friends to see how hot they are; you can read comments others have left and figure out who she hangs out with; and you can put all of the things she likes into your profile to make it look like you both like the same things.”

He gave the same lecture to both Gabe and Marv. Marv was a little upset because Mitch had interrupted his cuddle time with Ashley. He ignored the first few calls, but on the fourth call in two minutes, he thought maybe something was wrong. Gabe didn’t sound like it, but he was also a little upset. It’s wasn’t that he had anything better to be doing; Jessica was sleeping in the bedroom, and he was doing dishes from their meal earlier that evening. He didn’t mind being called at two in the morning; in fact, he kind of welcomed the break from the boredom of being up so late alone. It wasn’t that Mitch had gone out while he was alone at home; it was that Mitch had gone out and gotten a MySpace address, and he never had. Mitch was the first; before him, the man, the smoothest guy around. Maybe he was getting too old; but didn’t a lot of twenty-five year olds use MySpace? Or maybe Mitch was right… a new era was upon them.

–This story is based on actual events, though some of the names have been changed. We should all go bowling again, with a trip to Wal-Mart afterwards. This time, no lame excuses from friends.

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Gabe’s Girls: Chapter 3

by on Aug.01, 2006, under 'The Blog'

“But why is the rum gone?”

Marv was upset. He’d gone into the kitchen for another drink, only to find out there was no more alcohol. Ashley, being sober, tried to explain it logically. Marv, being far from sober, didn’t comprehend. He didn’t understand how the bottles of rum could all be empty. Ashley soon gave in, and decided to run to the store. She figured it would be easier to buy more than to argue with the drunks all night. And after arguing with Marv, she decided she needed to have a few drinks too.

Gabe and Jessica were supposed to be home soon, and they had a surprise waiting for them. Ashley decided to invite all of their friends over to welcome them home, though they weren’t really gone that long. Gabe and Jessica would be surprised, and a little upset.

It was midnight, and the two hadn’t made it back from Canada. That didn’t stop the party. In fact, the only person who realized they weren’t there was Ashley, and she no longer cared. The two were supposed to return home around ten that evening, but they didn’t inform anyone of their change of plans. The devil had left Jessica, and Gabe had convinced her to spend a night in a hotel to make up for all of their arguments on the trip, which, naturally, were Gabe’s fault. Luckily for him, she was going to give him a chance to redeem himself.

Ashley returned from the store, and had soon lost track of her own sobriety. Drinks were drank, smokes smoked, and music mused. By three, everyone except Ashley and Marv had passed out. The remaining pair talked for a long time, and eventually ended up in bed with each other. Nothing happened between the two, except a little bit of cuddling. Both secretly dreamed of waking in the morning and sharing a romantic first kiss. However, romance failed to grace their awakening.

Gabe and Jessica made it home late the next morning, and were surprised to find their block full of cars. They hoped the event was for one of the neighbors; they knew it was not. Having a dozen people passed out in their house was not something they had expected when they got home, so you can imagine the look on their face when they found over thirty people. Jessica went straight to Ashley’s door, and started banging on it, demanding an explanation. But when she opened the door and saw Marv lying in the bed, she wasn’t sure what to think. The look of confusion in her eyes was the same look she found in the eyes of her sister in the bed. Ashley, just starting to fully come to her senses, was running the events of the previous night through her head trying to remember what had happened. She remembered dragging Marv into her bedroom hoping something would come of it, but she didn’t remember anything past that. She figured any guy would have taken full advantage of the situation, yet she didn’t feel like anything had happened.

Jessica quietly closed the door and walked away. Ashley quickly followed to explain the situation. When asked what was going on, she honestly didn’t know how to answer. Instead, she informed her sister that her relationships were her own business. Jessica decided this was fair, but still demanded an explanation for the other thirty people in the house. So Ashley filled her in on the details of the party.

Gabe and Jessica went to their room to get away from their awaking friends. Ashley went back to her room, to clarify a few things with Marv. She wasn’t sure how to proceed, so she just asked him directly, ‘What happened last night?’ Laughing, he filled her in, explaining that he had not taken advantage of her, since he wasn’t sure if her expressions were of true feeling or had to do with the rum in her body. Finally, she felt she had met a man who actually respected women.

The day had started out a little rough, but now Ashley couldn’t have felt better. She had been single for years. She wasn’t sure if she was single because her standards were too high, if she was afraid to get hurt again, or because no one found her attractive (this was not the case; she was very pretty, but she didn’t know that others thought this). But on this day, she was fairly sure that she would not be single much longer. She had found a man who met her standards, and she was ready to risk getting hurt again. She was also pretty sure that smile on his face hinted at his attraction to her. She climbed back into the bed, and, without a word, they shared their romantic first kiss.

Jessica filled Gabe in on the scene she had found in the other bedroom of the house. It was hard to shock Gabe. Rarely did he show any sign of astonishment. In this case however, he had a rather surprised tone when he responded, ‘Whaaaa?!?’ As he thought about it though, he started to realize that the two would probably make a good couple. Both had been seriously hurt in their previous relationships, which, for both of them, were years ago. Neither had really dated anyone since, and as far as he knew, both had been celibate since their breakups, though not always by choice. Gabe had never believed in trying to change the feelings of others, and decided he would leave the two alone, not pushing them one way or another. His mind went back to the other people in the house.

Gabe was an optimist. At first he had been upset when they found all of the people passed out in their house, but Gabe quickly formed a plan that would put a smile on his face. He told Jessica to get the shaving cream and then to meet him in the hall where Mitch was sleeping. Quietly, working hard to suppress their laughter, the two filled Mitch’s left hand with shaving cream. Gabe grabbed a Kleenex, and started tickling Mitch’s nose with it. After minutes of grunting and sniffling, Mitch had failed to move his hand. Gabe then tore up the Kleenex into small pieces and dropped them on Mitch’s head. Finally, out of frustration, Gabe lightly smacked Mitch’s face. Mitch woke up, tired and groggy, and as he sat up, noticed the pieces of tissue falling off of his face. To Gabe and Jessica’s dismay, he used his right hand to wipe off his face. “What the hell are you doing?”, he demanded. Jessica straight up told him, “Messing with you while you are asleep.” After a forty second conversation about how they were jerks, Gabe and Jessica were sure they would witness nothing of entertainment value. They stood up and started to walk away, but right before they turned around, Mitch raised his left hand to wipe off his face. Score. It couldnt have been any better. Not only had he smeared shaving cream all over his face, but he was awake for almost a whole minute before he did it; he never noticed the handful of shaving cream.

Ashley and Marv were both in good spirits. When in a really good mood, Marv always got hyper and came up with ideas so ridiculous that they always had to be tried. One of these ideas was responsible for the hole in the wall above the headboard of Ashley’s bed. Now, some people, especially those who know the author, may believe that this hole was from a loss of balance while hanging up curtains, causing Ashley to fall and hit the wall. Others may think that something incredibly kinky had just happened, and someones head went through the wall. The truth is, a certain test of science, specifically physics, was involved. Nothing more than mild kissing had happened between Ashley and Marv before they started cuddling and talking. This wasn’t your normal pillow talk; there were few moments where Marv was serious enough for such a thing. Instead, Marv questioned the quality of the mattress, wondering how it compared to a Serta. It was decided that they would place a cup of water on one side of the bed, and then throw a weight from Gabe’s exercise equipment on the other side. Ashley went to get the water, and Marv got the weight, a thirty-five pound barbell. Ashley placed the glass of water on one side of the bed, and Marv climbed onto the dresser to prepare for the throw. The weight was heaved down with an incredible force, and the test failed (at least when compared to a Serta). The weight bounced back up off of the mattress, and through the drywall. Marv died laughing, while Ashley stood in shock. Not only did she have to explain the hole in the wall to Gabe, but she would have to explain the wet spot on the bed to her sister. She was grateful they hadn’t used red wine

Mitch cleaned up and headed to the kitchen to get a drink, something to help him calm the quarrel in his stomach. He had drank both Captain Morgan and Admiral Nelson, and as far as he could tell, there was still a great battle going on between the two. He remembered the night before, when he had asked Ashley what she was drinking, before she started in on the rum with the rest of them. Kool-Aid for adults, she had replied. He thought she was referring to spiked Kool-Aid, which he found a bit odd, since she was still sober, until she clarified. “Crystal Light – it doesn’t have any sugar in it.”

As with most of their parties, everyone slowly woke up and headed home without talking to anyone else. Soon, there were only four people left in the house; two guys and the twins. They headed too a nearby restaurant where they sat on the patio drinking margaritas. As they talked, each had private thoughts hidden in their minds: Jessica was hoping her sister had found someone who would love and respect her. Ashley was hoping she had found someone who would love and respect her and also remind her what it is like to be loved. Marv was in a trance of expectation for the night to come, as it looked as if Ashley was going to be drunk again. Gabe was thinking about getting the waitress’ number. The girls went to the bathroom, Marv lit up a smoke, and Gabe went to the bar for another drink. The girls returned, giggling about their secret conversation, and Gabe returned with his drink and numbers from the bartender, two waitresses, and the three ladies sitting at table sixty-one. Marv had seen him work his magic but, for once in his life, felt no envy.

–This story is inspired from actual conversations, though little of it actually happened. I miss my girls from table sixty-one.

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